Oh. Say. Something. Something. Bombs.

He”;s such a genius at Person-Woman-Man-Camera-TV”;ing. But it”;s always worth reminding our big beautiful country that the current sitting president still doesn”;t know the words to our national anthem, a tune he obsesses about almost as much as his Glidden semi-gloss face paint…;

YouTube Video

He should be deported.

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Note: Looking for an easier way to wash your hands? Here”;s a “;handy”; tip: remove them and toss them in the dishwasher. When they”;re dry, just suture them back to your wrists. It’s simple. Try it today…and be safe! –;Your Friends at Maytag

By the Numbers:


14 weeks!!!

Weeks ’til the general election: 14

Rank of Oman, Bahrain, Panama, South Africa and the U.S. among countries with the worst known covid-19 outbreaks: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5

Number of New England states besides New Hampshire that don”;t have a mask mandate: 0

Number of anti-mask cultists who showed up at the event touted as the “;Million Unmasked March”; in Springfield, Illinois Saturday: 50

Current match-up numbers by PPP for the Sara Gideon (D) and Susan Collins (R-inc.) senate race in Maine, the first poll since Gideon won her primary: 47%-42%

Estimated amount that Trump’s 2020 reelection campaign, joint fundraising committees, and the RNC have funneled into his private businesses: $6.9 million

Age of Olivia de Havilland, Regis Philbin and Fleetwood Mac co-founder Peter Green, respectively, when they died over the weekend: 104, 88, 73

Puppy Pic of the Day: “Always two there are; no more, no less. A master and an apprentice.” “But which is the master, and which is the apprentice?”

CHEERS to snap inspections. Time to take a peek at how our sitting president”;s #1 campaign promise is working out for the masses. This was candidate Trump’s taxpayer-funded vision three months before Election Day 2016:

“;On Day One, we will begin working on an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful southern border wall. We will use the best technology, including above- and below-ground sensors. That”;s the tunnels. Remember that. Above and below. Above- and below- ground sensors. towers, aerial surveillance and manpower to supplement the wall, find and dislocate tunnels and keep out criminal cartels.”

Three-and-a-half years into his term, three miles of “;impenetrable, physical tall, powerful, beautiful”; new wall have been built, and…;…;. Excuse me, I”;ve just been handed this bulletin: better make that two miles:

.@CBP just confirmed that this section of border wall in New Mexico blew over in June, but they covered it up until this video was leaked today. Your tax dollars at work…pic.twitter.com/xOqMZrHFgS

� Laiken Jordahl (@LaikenJordahl) July 27, 2020

What else is there to say? Happy Infrastructure Week, everybody.

JEERS to Covid-FAIL: major-league baseball edition. It’s so 2020 that the team destined to win the World Series isn’t the one with the best pitchers, fielders and hitters, but the one with the best mask wearers, social distancers, and hand washers:

The Miami Marlins’ home opener against the Baltimore Orioles set for Monday has been canceled due to a number of Marlins players and staff testing positive for Covid-19, according to multiple reports.


If enough teams end up dropping out, the season will be replaced with dogs fielding grounders.

According to ESPN’s Jeff Passan, eight players and two coaches have tested positive for the coronavirus, bring the total cases on the team to at least 14.

This is the first game to be canceled this season.

The positive tests come just days after MLB began its abbreviated 60-game season, which had been delayed from its usual April opening because of the pandemic, and already threaten to upend the young season.

I don”;t claim to know everything about the intricacies of base-uh-ball, but I’m fairly sure this will go on the stat sheet as an error.

CHEERS to Bubba’s foresight. Addressing a veterans convention in New Orleans on July 28, 1996, Bill Clinton called on Congress to pass expanded measures against acts of terror in the United States. It was a more innocent time back then, and today the Adult Children Moving Back in With Their Parents Act seems rather quaint.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

5 year old young lady. Kids bruh…pic.twitter.com/DJEghAJLhi

� Rex Chapman�� (@RexChapman) July 26, 2020

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to hitchin’ a ride outta here. When the government I fund with my tax dollars told me that it was shutting down its UFO tracking and storage operations, I was crushed and vowed NEVER to pay no more stupid tax dollars ever again. Happily, this is one time I’ll forgive my government for bald-faced lying to me, because it turns out that their operations are not only alive and well, but actually catching some ETs in their giant space net. That means me and my people are one step closer to commandeering a vessel and evacuating ourselves off this parasitic ball of tail chasers:

The Pentagon”;s secretive UFO unit is going to make some of its findings public, The New York Times reported.


Biggest mystery so far: all the captured alien ships have these mudflaps.

And one consultant to the agency has briefed Defense Department officials of some highly unusual discoveries–;including items retrieved from “;off-world vehicles not made on this Earth,”; the newspaper said.

The Pentagon has claimed it disbanded its UFO office, but it actually simply changed names and moved.

A Senate committee report suggests it will be expected to make some information public every six months.

If you’d like to join me and my merry band of Nigerian finance ministers in our daring flying saucer escape, deposit $5,000,000 in my bank account and wait for the glowing green tractor beam to hover over your house. The trip to the nearest Goldilocks planet will take us about 500 years, so bring some snacks and a personal cryogenic tank. Add $50 for each carry-on.

CHEERS to feeling your pain. On July 28, 1865, the American Dental Association proposed its first code of ethics, thus paving the way for hilarious moments like this:

YouTube Video

My dentist, who has cautiously and responsibly opened his office back up, has TVs above all the dental chairs for his patients to watch while he”;s poking, prodding and drilling. I always tune it to Fox News. It helps dull the pain. Well, the physical pain, anyway.

Ten years ago in C&J: July 28, 2010

JEERS to Day 100. Because this is all we’re gonna be hearing today:

CNN: Today marks the 100th day of the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster…


So many metaphors, so little time.

ABC: Our round-the-clock coverage of Day 100 continues…;
NBC: Day 100: what does it mean…and what doesn”;t it mean?
CBS: 100 days. Not 101. But also not 99. Our live team coverage begins now…
Morning Joe: Both sides do it!
Jeopardy!: What is one hundred days?
Jay Leno To commemorate the 100th day of the oil spill, Hillary Clinton wore her favorite pant suit and her husband committed adultery. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
David Letterman: One hundred days. Hey, cut me a slice ‘o that!

Crappy anniversary, everyone. If you need me I’ll be in my bunker ’til midnight.

And just one more…

CHEERS to red meat that’s not the political kind. On July 28, 1900, reportedly while trying to piss off his vegan neighbor, Louis Lassen invented the humble hamburger in New Haven, Connecticut. Louis’ Lunch is still in business and kickin’ it old-school:

The beginnings of the hamburger sandwich as we all know it today was really quite simple.

One day in 1900, a gentleman hurriedly walked into Louis’ Lunch and told proprietor Louis Lassen he was in a rush and wanted something he could eat on the run. In an instant, Louis placed his own blend of ground steak trimmings between two slices of toast and sent the gentleman on his way. And so, the most recognizable American sandwich was born.


What the original hamburger looked like. (And at Louis”; Lunch, it still does.)

Today, Louis’ great grandson, Jeff Lassen, carries on the tradition. The hamburgers have changed little from their historic prototype and remain the specialty of the house. Burgers are made fresh daily; hand-rolled from a proprietary blend of five meat varieties and cooked to order in the original cast-iron grills dating back to 1898. The Lassen family holds firm on their desire not to offer any condiments. The Louis Lunch experience is about the taste and simplicity of a fresh burger grilled to perfection. Cheese, tomato, and onion are the only acceptable garnish.

So happy birthday to the hamburger, for 120 years the quintessential representation of America’s diet until Donald Trump came along and replaced it with cat food. (And, yes, I would like fries with that.)

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Bill in Portland Maine bursts into laughter when asked if Trump can “;get us out of the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool”;
–;Raw Story

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